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Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Who Do You Want to Be?



Who do I want to be?

This isn't a question I have taken the time to think about and answer before. It never occurred to me that there could be way more meaning than the typical answers you get to this question. Growing up, we're asked all the time what we want to be. My answers were a teacher, a mother, a wife, a friend, a cosmetologist, a massage therapist, a writer, and the best Christian I could be.

After taking some time to ponder on my answer to this question, I came up with this.

I want to be many things within my life. My childhood dreams still stand true, however, a few things have fallen off that list.

First, I am a teacher. I'm not the type of teacher I had thought I'd be while young. I don't hold a teaching degree but that doesn't mean I'm not qualified. As a mother of three (two physically with me), I teach them every day. I teach them about Jesus, life, and love. I've dedicated my life to these two amazing souls and I've promised God that I would do everything in my power to raise them in the way they should go. So far, I think I've done a good job. My daughter goes to a Christian homeschooling group and has daily instruction in basic education with teachers who love her dearly. She not only gets the education but also time with God. (LOVE THIS) My son is a baby, but not just any baby. He's the most joyful and pleasant soul I know. When we sit down and pray, he takes the hands around him, bows his head, and says his own prayer in baby words. (Another parenting win!) Yes, I am a teacher.

Second, I am a mother. I have carried three babies in my womb and I have given birth to two screaming babies and one angel baby. Even though the world sees me with two kids, I have one sitting on Jesus' lap while enjoying Heaven's choir. I have been immensely blessed to have been able to carry these children and experience the birth process. However, being a mother is so much more than this. I am a mother because I care for these children. I nurse them when they are sick. I play games with them that others would find boring. I get covered with the spaghetti dinner that my son decided he was finished with. I get the fights with my daughter when she pushes for something I don't believe would benefit her. I get the small art projects that were created with me in mind. I get the hugs, kisses, and love these children have to give. Yet, I mourn a child who has never looked into my eyes, kissed me, hugged me, or even called out for me. Instead, her beautiful delicate body is resting in her forever bed in a small grave in Pennsylvania. Yes, I am a mother.  

Third, I am a wife. I stressed over the dress, the flowers, the cake, and the decorations. I enjoyed the honeymoon after I walked down that isle. I was made to feel like a princess. However, there's so much more to being a wife. I supported dreams which weren't mine, passions that I didn't have a taste for, and I have experienced a different kind of love. This type of love is on a much deeper level that one can express. I have listened to hours of excitingness after a day watching a favorite sports team, I listened to the thrills of how great an eight-second car just ran down the drag strip. I listened to memories of war, military, and loneliness. I held in my own pain while the pain of a broken soldier cried out from the pain left behind after a tour in war within Iraq. I nursed sickness into health. I've loved more than I ever thought I could love another human being, other than my children. I am a wife!

Fourth, I am a friend. I gave my shoulder for the tears which fell, and my tears slipped from my eyes because my heart was overloaded. I embraced memories and laughter that only a friend could have. I have opened my heart to the purest love outside of my family. I listened to hours and tried to mend the broken heart, which wasn't mine. I dreamt those dreams with someone who didn't have to choose me. My heart cares deeply for the people who don't live with me but live within my heart. They have come and gone, and some still remain. Right now, a piece of my heart is in Oklahoma, Tennessee, California, Florida, Massachusetts, and Heaven. I am a friend.

Fifth, I am a writer. Four books. Self-published. Long hours and even years, I have spent sitting in front of a computer while creating a new world for someone else to enjoy. These books are part of who I am. My world. my tears, my dreams are all wrapped up in these pages. These books are more than just books. They are my passions, my hopes, my dreams! I have reached out to inspire, give hope, and to allow someone else to dream. I live in an isolated world for these books. My dedication will always be and I will NOT give up. I may second guess this nook of the world because that's part of who I am. I will be frustrated beyond my control and ready to throw in the towel. However, I can't because writing is part of who I am. I cannot survive without it. I am a writer.

Last, I am a Christian. I have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ. He is my peace, my joy, and my happiness. He has NEVER let me down and has always picks me, even when I sadly didn't choose him. He's always there waiting to embrace me, love me, and guide me. I have dedicated my life to Him, as He gave His life for me. I am a Christian.

Now, I'm asking you..... Who do you want to be?

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